Neptune Rx x3

N1 (june 2018)

​Neptune is turning retrograde. Yes, he does that too, it’s not just Mercury.:D

What to do and what not to do – that’s the question! And I don’t have the answer. I live on Neptune, it’s the core part of my being, it affects me so much, but it affects all of us anyway. 

Neptune is the illusion we need to cope with reality, the blind belief (in God, in good, in love) that there’s something better/higher/lighter, something else. It’s our imagination that makes our childhood as magical as possible. (I loved the ending of „The Florida Project“! That’s Neptune. The beautiful escape, the only way to survive all the suffering, to cope with all the pain.) Neptune is our switch. Not really sure which way is on and which is off. I love dreaming, I’ve spent all my life to this moment doing that and I plan to do so until the end of this life. Escapism is bad, they say, but we all do it, nobody is really present, at least I haven’t met such a person. We humans find/choose our outlets, our gear, our…
When I was 15 I ran away from home for the summer. I had been systematically abused at home and at school for years at this point, I craved for an escape. I worked for a bed and food with some young waiters in a resort town by the sea. I was so lonely I felt ashamed by it. We all became friends. Or what many seems to call „friends“ nowadays that to me is screamingly superficial …

I was swimming during the breaks and dancing the nights away under the influence of cheap alcohol and light drugs. I was trying to silent the screaming pain inside me, but was too young to know how. So I turned to my Se, trasformed myself into a robot (I love Voltron as a metaphor), an empty body, a vessel, my mind was elsewhere and than again with me in the morning. The shame that came with it is the usual shame of someone who knows that he’s playing and not fooling anybody. I’d feel that shame nowadays when the disillusionment comes and I realise I have lied to myself about the qualities and the significance of someone and/or the relationship between us. This happens a lot, 90% of the time, but not very often, because I know how to keep my distance. But once in a while I cross paths with somebody who makes me believe again. It’s reviving. But we know – „What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make and end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.“ (T. S. Eliot)


N2 (30.06.2018)

Disillusionment. Love. Standing on solid ground. Internalisation. Dreaming. Believing. Reality check. Love. Idealisation. Lies. Inner thirst for higher existence. Flood. Drought. Coping with addiction. Recovery. Escapism. Blinding. Love. 


N3 (12.07.2018)

The last few weeks really were turmoil for me. I’m telling you – Neptune retrograde 101, by the book. I crave(d) for disillusionment („the“ truth) so bad I went back and deep to check for cracks at the possible starting points of everything uplifting/slightly optimistic/suspiciously good (on the verge of magical and dreamlike). I didn’t want to look at the foundations with these eyes but I need(ed) to in order to free myself, to be able to finally let go of the past and start anew. 

It’s somehow similar to the mixed feelings that run over you as a child when at the end of a long day at the beach you see some other child knock down your sand castle with such rage, levels it to the ground and moves on to the next one on the shore. And you crumble inside, and it takes some time to breathe, and you probably cry or you don’t, and your parents console you but right above your little head exchange their grownup looks of „that’s life“ and „we kept them safe and pure until now“, and one of them mumbles that (because the day under the sun exhausts you). That this is life and you could cry all you want and that’s sad and all but won’t really change a thing. The next day some children (maybe you, or you may skip a day) will build their castles and some others will destroy them, and all you can do is be thankful, because without the latter tomorrow you won’t have a space to build a new one, a better, bigger one (you’ve been through this, you know stuff now). And you can have an ice cream, yes of course.

Свободно Падане

//духовни – свободно падане

I’ve felt two soulmate connections in this life. 

The first one was with a girl with whom I share a name, a profession/passion and the mutual feeling between us, as she put it, „sometimes I wonder if I/you exist or it’s just a projection of my mind“. There’s this cute story from the start of our friendship when we’re walking in a theatre basement to work and out of nowhere we start singing the same Wickeda song and everybody is staring at us. Moments after she says she likes to take photos but hasn’t done it in a while. And she shows me a gallery on her laptop and I start laughing and reach out for my phone (it’s an old phone, before smartphones) and show her my chosen gallery of 5 photos where front and center is one of hers. That’s when I knew. The next years we both will blossom, that’s the word, we will be daring at showing our true selves to the world.

The second one was Viktor, whose playlist on Youtube I check regularly, because I miss him deeply and that’s the only way I’ve found to still feel connected to him in a way. That’s where I found this.
Also this:

//this post is in English, because it was a draft for something else.

these things take forever

//Bright Eyes – First Day Of My Life

Granny Smith

​ровя се из щайгите със намалени ябълки във Billa – 1,39
зад гърба ми в коридора на лъскавата бизнес сграда на два висящи плоски телевизора звучи класация на MTV
по в дъното към изхода са още два масажни стола
на единия един бездомник се преструва, че се е зачел в безплатен вестник
всъщност може да е Капитал
поглеждам го едва със края на окото си
притурката със скъпата й матова хартия обикновено се мотае по етажите на мола
столът не вибрира, но четецът – да
до него през едно стъкло си правят вечеринка децата на богатите и разни юпита
разнасят пълни тенджери, усмихват се, стоят със шапки,
не поглеждам надпис за събитието, но зная, че е някакво гурме
навън е свежа прясна зима
едва отскоро пуснаха трамваите
на 15-20 минути и без парно
Billa скоро ще затваря, аз не бързам
опипвам всички ябълки, въртя ги
от продавачи знам, че хубавите се заравят най-отдолу
очакват да се умориш да ровиш ли
стигат ми и само две – за днес и за закуска
но нещо в мен ги иска лъскави, зелени, без ранявания
предпочитам дребните, представям си, че са като деца (спасявам ги)
стоя и ровя и се мръщя на натъртените плодове
каква върховна глезотия в мен
а зад гърба ми в коридора
бездомно семейство измислят къде и как да нощуват
разпознавам лицата им по-добре от тези на съученици през годините
не мога нищо да направя
какво безмислие и Harry Styles
на двете плазми над главите ни
минавам разминавам ги
а Бог е пуснатият телевизор
във него гледаме и ни е срам
ето ги и лампите от хималайска сол
химическото чистене, масажните столове
гурмето скоро ще приключи май
а тази снимка е за спомен.

Seafret – Oceans – 7 Layers Sessions

I wish I can feel your skin
And I want you
From somewhere within

It feels like there’s oceans
Between me and you once again
We hide our emotions
Under the surface and tryin’ to pretend

Уж докосваме Бога*

Тъжно ми е и искам целият свят да знае. Липсва ми дълбочина, споделеност. И да не трябва да се преструвам, че всичко е наред. Нищо не ми е наред. Боли ме за всички, отишли си от мен хора, въпреки че разбирам. Искам да съществува вечност в иначе уж кратките ни животи. Искам да се сбъдвам. И отново да открия смисъл. И да не ми е така самичко. Мерси, това е.

OST: Остава от детството ми 

* мисля, че имам няколко поста „Оставаме, Гоше“

Saturn/Sleeping At Last

I simply love everything this guy does. He is interacting with my soul in a way just a few (if any) have ever managed to do. It’s something so rare these days, in this life, at least for me. And I appreciate it, the existence of him and his music and me standing here breathing, aching, being.

BOY - We Were Here - album cover

BOY – We Were Here

BOY вадят нов албум този месец!<3
Отново маркират важен етап от живота ми.
Пожелавам си да ги чуя на живо през ноември.

Run (Daughter Cover)

//сега осъзнавам, че явно харесвам песни със заглавие Run, колко тематично:Д

вкъщи правим ремонт и на моменти се случва да имаме празни пространства, които запълвам(е) с музика.
много ми харесва смесването на битовите шумове с акустичната ненатрапчивост на живото изпълнение.

опитвам се да пиша дълга проза напоследък. случват ми се разни неща. може би скоро ще споделя. подбирайте бягствата!;

BOY mode/mood

Take off your shoes now
You’ve come a long way
You walked all these miles
And now you’re in the right place

This is your party
Everyone came
Everyone’s smiling
I’m singing your name

And the nightmares and monsters
Your biggest fears
Seem lightyears away
No, they won’t find you here

I’ll hold your head my dear
Make sure no one’s gonna wake you
Tomorrow you’ll still be here
No matter where your dreams will take you

Do you realize
All the falls and flights
All the sleepless nights
All the smiles and sighs
They brought you here
They only brought you home

Put down this suitcase
This weapon of yours
The struggle is over
You don’t need it no more
You can’t remember longly
You forgot about bored
And nothing’s the same
Since you walked through this door

This roof is a blanket
That’s keeping you warm
Inside the silence
After the storm

I’ll hold your head my dear
Make sure no one’s gonna wake you
Tomorrow you’ll still be here
No matter where your dreams will take you

And you understand
This neverending dance
This fight, a fading sense
Now it all makes sense
It brought you here
It only brought you
Only brought you
Only brought you
Only brought you home

спокоен ставаш, като приемеш пътя, да.))

преди години с BOY в ушите обикалях по влаковете на Европа и не говорех много с никого.
сега не бягам вече, спокойна съм, може би малко по-мъдра. всъщност – доста(тъчно))).

//Плутон, който кръжи цял живот по стелиума ми, си казва думата – това за протокола, като се връщам назад:Д