Neptune Rx x3

N1 (june 2018)

​Neptune is turning retrograde. Yes, he does that too, it’s not just Mercury.:D

What to do and what not to do – that’s the question! And I don’t have the answer. I live on Neptune, it’s the core part of my being, it affects me so much, but it affects all of us anyway. 

Neptune is the illusion we need to cope with reality, the blind belief (in God, in good, in love) that there’s something better/higher/lighter, something else. It’s our imagination that makes our childhood as magical as possible. (I loved the ending of „The Florida Project“! That’s Neptune. The beautiful escape, the only way to survive all the suffering, to cope with all the pain.) Neptune is our switch. Not really sure which way is on and which is off. I love dreaming, I’ve spent all my life to this moment doing that and I plan to do so until the end of this life. Escapism is bad, they say, but we all do it, nobody is really present, at least I haven’t met such a person. We humans find/choose our outlets, our gear, our…
When I was 15 I ran away from home for the summer. I had been systematically abused at home and at school for years at this point, I craved for an escape. I worked for a bed and food with some young waiters in a resort town by the sea. I was so lonely I felt ashamed by it. We all became friends. Or what many seems to call „friends“ nowadays that to me is screamingly superficial …

I was swimming during the breaks and dancing the nights away under the influence of cheap alcohol and light drugs. I was trying to silent the screaming pain inside me, but was too young to know how. So I turned to my Se, trasformed myself into a robot (I love Voltron as a metaphor), an empty body, a vessel, my mind was elsewhere and than again with me in the morning. The shame that came with it is the usual shame of someone who knows that he’s playing and not fooling anybody. I’d feel that shame nowadays when the disillusionment comes and I realise I have lied to myself about the qualities and the significance of someone and/or the relationship between us. This happens a lot, 90% of the time, but not very often, because I know how to keep my distance. But once in a while I cross paths with somebody who makes me believe again. It’s reviving. But we know – „What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make and end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.“ (T. S. Eliot)

***

N2 (30.06.2018)

Disillusionment. Love. Standing on solid ground. Internalisation. Dreaming. Believing. Reality check. Love. Idealisation. Lies. Inner thirst for higher existence. Flood. Drought. Coping with addiction. Recovery. Escapism. Blinding. Love. 

***

N3 (12.07.2018)

The last few weeks really were turmoil for me. I’m telling you – Neptune retrograde 101, by the book. I crave(d) for disillusionment („the“ truth) so bad I went back and deep to check for cracks at the possible starting points of everything uplifting/slightly optimistic/suspiciously good (on the verge of magical and dreamlike). I didn’t want to look at the foundations with these eyes but I need(ed) to in order to free myself, to be able to finally let go of the past and start anew. 

It’s somehow similar to the mixed feelings that run over you as a child when at the end of a long day at the beach you see some other child knock down your sand castle with such rage, levels it to the ground and moves on to the next one on the shore. And you crumble inside, and it takes some time to breathe, and you probably cry or you don’t, and your parents console you but right above your little head exchange their grownup looks of „that’s life“ and „we kept them safe and pure until now“, and one of them mumbles that (because the day under the sun exhausts you). That this is life and you could cry all you want and that’s sad and all but won’t really change a thing. The next day some children (maybe you, or you may skip a day) will build their castles and some others will destroy them, and all you can do is be thankful, because without the latter tomorrow you won’t have a space to build a new one, a better, bigger one (you’ve been through this, you know stuff now). And you can have an ice cream, yes of course.

21.06.

​Над мен луната расте

с теб знаем – пълнотата й е край

не остава много да се маем

не остава дълго да мечтаем

В края на краищата (звучи фатално, а не е; случва се често, по него мерим времето и се вълнуваме)

слънцето стои срещу луната

а между тях единствено земя

единствено земя? единствено земята?

(ръката ти, ръката ми, реката…)

или единствено земя стои между телата, които нас ни занимават

тела, които са ни чужди

тела, които са за малко

тела, в които сме назаем

След края (който идва често, твърде често, за да не очакваме)

луната тръгва да догони слънцето

(по-далеч един от друг не са заставали)

по пътя нежно излинява

(почти до смърт, до смърт и до начало)

Към луната гледам, тя расте, аз знам за края

после свеждам поглед и започвам да броя дали, кога ще те позная

4 квадрата

Седя на тоалетната чиния и събирам сили да се изправя вече няколко минути. В четирите плочки в краката ми малка мушица се опитва да намери път измежду капки локвички, вадички реки, няколко косъма и боклучета, които сме разнесли с обувките. Този пренебрежително миниатюрен под, за който ние отговаряме, за който отговарям аз; на който аз съм Бог – и сътворител, и баща; по който стъпвам и отмивам себе си; взирам се в него и в безкрая всеки ден. Този под е толкоз малък, че едва побира четири крака, а мушичката се лута между фугите на плочка все едно е свят, не си намира път, опитва, връща се, не се предава. В душата ми е толкоз малко, някакви си четири плочки, плочици, мозайка. Събирам сили някак си, изправям се и хвърлям сянка по земята като внезапен облак, като планина. Аз – господарят на тази земя, плаша мушичката и тя литва, полита нагоре, встрани. За миг се чувствам неудобно, но после разбирам – оттук тя вижда откъде да мине.